Although you can't make your pain go away, there are measures that can be taken to help manage the pain. Remember that you must find for yourself what will help the most. Here are some suggestions:
1. Accept each stage of grief. Learning about the stages of grief and accepting them as they come facilitates the healing process. The stages have been defined as:
A. Shock and Numbness--denying the situation, feeling overwhelmed, angry, and (especially) guilty;
B. Searching and Yearning--looking for reasons why the miscarriage happened (beyond a medical explanation), feeling like maybe the baby never existed;
C. Disorientation and Disorganization--depression and lack of motivation, feeling like a failure;
D. Reorganization--feeling whole again, being able to enjoy life without feeling guilty.
Note: Some suffering persons may feel that their sorrow indicates lack of faith in God. This is not true. Those who have experienced a loss have every right to grieve, and indeed must allow themselves to grieve in order to heal.
2. Find a loving support system. This may include family and friends, others who have experienced the same loss, professional or ecclesiastical counselors, or support groups. It is critical to express your feelings in one way or another.
3. Write about the experience. Many grieving persons find relief in writing about their feelings because they don't have to worry about the listener's reactions. If you feel extremely uncomfortable discussing your feelings with others, writing about your experience may be your only emotional outlet.
4. Seek spiritual guidance. Search for comfort in the scriptures, in books written by prophets of God, in your local church leader's counsel. It's important to remember that having sad feelings in the midst of a tragedy does not mean that your testimony in God is lacking. In fact, your testimony may be the strongest thing that you can cling to during this painful time, and the means whereby you can ultimately heal from your grief.
5. Cherish memories of your pregnancy and baby. Think about or write down any positive feelings about being pregnant and any loving feelings for the baby. Consider writing a letter to the baby and/or giving the baby a name.
6. Try to be patient with others. It is almost ineviable that someone will say something that sounds cruel. Being patient with others in the midst of your own grief may sound like too much to ask. But try to remember that people who say insensitive things are usually not hostile, just ignorant. Most comments, however rude they may sound, are spoken with good intentions. Becoming outraged at every comment is completely understandable but will likely only make you feel worse. Instead, consider kindly informing those who offend about better ways to respond.
7. Try to be patient with yourself. Remember that the grieving process can take months or years to complete. Seek out the company and surroundings that uplift you. Allow yourself any possible luxury. If possible, postpone major life decisions until you feel more stable.
-Kathy Soper, Coping With Miscarriage, p. 3-4
Used by permission.
(See also chapter 3 of Sherri Witwer's book Gone Too Soon. See link on the left.)
