Honestly, all I wanted was someone to talk to who didn't try to make me feel better about the situation and who didn't try to give advice. I'm kind-of a daddy's girl, but after my miscarriage, I didn't give a dang what he had to say--all I wanted was my Mom, who had experienced a miscarriage and afterward dealt with depression for a year because of it. She knew grief and could cry with me, and she knew how to listen.
Sherri Wittwer in her book Gone Too Soon (highly recommended; see the left bar for a link) gives some excellent tips and I encourage you to memorize and live by these. If you love the person who is suffering, you will follow these suggestions:
1. Do not disappear or avoid those who are grieving. Do not ignore their loss. If you feel uneasy, you may find it helpful to just approach the parent, explain your feelings of awkwardness and ask how you can help.
2. Send a letter or a card. If you are uncomfortable about visiting in person, put your feelings of love and support in writing.
3. Help with practical matters. It’s better not to tell the parents, “If you need anything, just ask.” Although your intentions are good, asking puts the burden back on them to ask you to help. Just follow your instincts, and do something. Cleaning, babysitting, and bringing meals or treats are some ideas. As long as you respect the privacy of the couple, your gestures will be appreciated.
4. Never compare tragedies. Some people have the tendency to compare the tragedy of one person with another’s. By comparing, you are minimizing the person’s loss; and you are also comparing things that in reality may not have much in common.
5. Don’t philosophize. Many people feel that they have to make cliché statements and platitudes about life or philosophize as to why the baby died. Not all people may find such comments offensive, but unless you are totally sure that your comments are well received, it’s best to avoid these possible offenders:
a. “This is nature’s way of taking care of deformities.” Parents don’t love a baby less if it isn’t perfect. Besides, this miscarriage may have had nothing to do with fetal abnormalities.
b. “At least the baby is not suffering,” “The baby is in a better place now.” Although these statements might be accurate, they may belittle the need for the couple to grieve.
c. “You’ll soon be pregnant again,” “You can still have more children,” “At least you already have children.” These comments suggest that the lost baby was replaceable and not a unique individual.
d. “At least you did not know the baby yet.” The bond between parent and child is formed long before birth. Much of the grief comes from very fact that the parents will no longer be able to enjoy the relationship with their child in this life.
e. “Are you over it?” “Get on with your life.” Bereavement is not something you “get over.” And grief is an essential and normal part of life after a tragedy. Don’t add to the couple’s pain by expecting them to grieve on your timetable.
f. “I know how you feel.” Unless you have lost a child, you don’t know how a parent feels. And even if you have lost a child, grief is so personal that your reaction could be completely different from what someone else is experiencing. A more sensitive introduction to comments would be, “I think I can relate in some way to how you feel because...”
This is not to imply that you should avoid the couple in fear that you’ll say the wrong thing. Many grieving people have said that they’d rather hear the wrong words than nothing at all. But even so, every attempt should be made to be sensitive.
Sherri Wittwer, Gone Too Soon: The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children (American Fork, Utah: Covenant Communications, Inc. 1994): 57-62.
